I’m not really that type of guy who is overly enthusiastic about spending time with his fellow students, in fact, I like sitting in my own apartment all alone, being on the internet, cooking or watching TV. No compromises, no misunderstandings, no expectations. However, the problem is not that I’m not desiring to spend my time with people my age, it’s just I can’t figure out how. Everything they do or they say bounces off my head like a ball that’s been thrown at me. I have no empathy, their problems don’t matter to me, in the end it’s not my life.
If someone steps on a nail and screams, I don’t see the point in caring for them. Sure, if that’d happen to me I’d be concerned too, because THEN it concerns me, not someone else.
I can’t help thinking that way and it makes sincere interaction with people even more complicated. I can’t recall a social interaction with people I’ve seen on a daily basis in the last years that has been really honest and wholehearted as for my part.
I’m not a good adviser nor a real good friend. I try my best, but everything that comes out is hypocritical, pretentious talk that tries to convey a true, mutual feeling of compassion and great interest.
What’s the point of all if I’m just a major fake, a big fraud? I know, to get my way eventually, but is this really all people are for?
I wanna enjoy my youth and my college life to the fullest, do things I can look back on when I’m older, but how, if everything I do seems so god damn scripted, how, when, subconsciously, I constantly have these feelings of superiority and control as soon as people start talk to me. Instead of enjoying their company, I see what’s in their for me in the end if I commit to them or how I can toy with them, use them.
I don’t like to admit it, but I need people to distract me from my monotonous, death-doomed head, from all the cruel realities and truths about life we all like to push aside and not think about… I think about them non-stop. I know there are brighter minds out there, I just don’t know how to access them.
How do I approach social interactions in a way I can truly enjoy them without having any ulterior motives?
-Mr. Not So Bright Side
Hello Mr. Not So Bright Side,
You seem intelligent and strong willed so I’m going to give you my honest opinion, I hope it doesn’t seem harsh.
What this comes down to is that you spend too much time in your own head. You think that you can see the future, because everything happens the way you envisioned it. But really, all you are doing is creating self-fulfilling prophecies.
When you try to control people, or toy with people, they can tell. It alienates them. You are holding onto this illusion of control that you’re afraid to let go of. You are afraid to care for that person stepping on a nail. In doing so you are forced to admit that you might step on a nail too.
I feel like you see yourself as someone who is “different” or “special”. This is another self fulfilling prophecy – you won’t open up to others, they won’t open up to you. However if you did share with others, you will likely find they think about the same things…have similar feelings…and shared experiences. To be a part of this you will have to accept that you are no different from the rest of us.
Hope this helps, best of luck to you!
-The Sketchy Kids
Hey Sketchy Kids,
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. You are right, I agree with you. I am not trying to deny that something in me considers itself as fairly different and extraordinary from the rest of the people I know. It’s been a resistant wall that prevented me from reaching other people and getting close to them.
I sort of grew up with this mindset. Not that my parents taught me these ways, it eventually just developed over the years and I established my own rules and norms, what is wrong and what is right, some rules being so entirely ridiculous that I can’t seem to figure out the function or origin of it, however, if a violation of said rules goes own, it ends with a feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Whenever I’m at the edge of crossing the line, even think about it, a voice in me reminds me of the importance of observing these rules and usually I agree.
It feels wrong opening up to people, it’s like betraying a great part of me that’s been loyal and reliable for most of my life, you know? And now turning away from all of this, deviating, appears shameful. I wouldn’t see a point in keeping on dropping all that I stand for.
-Mr. Not So Bright Side
Mr. Not So Bright Side,
You aren’t going to change all at once. You’ll find that your past and who you are will stay with you. It will be transformed from a source of insecurity to one of confidence if you allow it.
Just take small steps, and raise your tolerance for opening up to people. Make sure to take care of yourself and you will grow so much from it 🙂